5 Ways I Thrived During My Unexpected Divorce
On a scale rating the desire for a divorce from 1–100, my husband told the mediator he was at 100. I was at ZERO. She had never seen anyone rate that far apart before.
Our babies were ages two years and three months. His pursuit of a divorce two days after our second daughter was born came without warning. It was not up for debate and he did not want to go to marriage counseling. He was done. I was in a panic. I didn’t know why this was happening.
I was devastated that the life I thought I had didn’t exist and the fear that I wasn’t enough for him to stay dismantled my sense of self worth. My secure and comfortable vision of a family had shattered and it seemed the more I tried to gather and glue the pieces, the more I got cut.
It’s a strange pain, having those invisible organs of emotion twist and tear and rupture inside you. I marveled how a person could possibly feel so much agony and still carry on.
My body struggled to make enough breastmilk for the baby as the stress wreaked havoc on my body. I sold our home, purchased a condo, moved an entire household, changed daycare providers, and worked full time. I went through absolute hell caring for a newborn tortured by frequent gastrointestinal distress and a two-year-old suffering tantrums and massive physical and emotional regression from the stress of all the family changes.
In those first several weeks I could not see how I was going to survive the spiraling despair I felt over the divorce and its ripple effects — but I did survive.
When it feels as though we are at the mercy of something outside of our control, doing something is far more healthy for our psyche than doing nothing. Here are 5 somethings that contributed to my transformation from victim to survivor to thriver.
Talk To A Counselor
I was fortunate to already have an established 10-year relationship with a counselor I trusted when my divorce began. She and her husband practiced together and they provided me support and guidance that was often my lifeline.
A great counselor will be a guide through your personal journey of healing and self-discovery. They offer a unique and valuable perspective because they have sat with many people facing the same challenges as you. Perspective-building calms your internal narrative about your situation by normalizing your struggles, widening your view and modeling the way forward.
The fastest way to establish a relationship with a counselor and get the help you need is to get vulnerable in your sessions. The more raw and real you are with yourself and your counselor, the faster and stronger your healing will be. Be honest about where you need growth, be willing to practice new skills and be brave enough to try again when you fail. Even the best counselor can not help a client who wants to complain but is unwilling to peel back the layers and participate in their own transformation.
If you don’t already have a counselor to speak to, that’s okay! The next best time to begin working with a counselor is today. If you’re just starting out, check out the Psychology Today website to read about counselors near you and choose one that feels right.
Practice Presence
Much of our emotional pain stems from replaying what has happened or fantasizing scenarios of what might happen. I became sharply aware of this truth in those early days when the waves of sadness and fear were tsunami-sized and unrelenting. My mind raced to replay events of the recent past and invent countless variations of the future.
By focusing on the pain of the past and the fear of the future, I was giving my attention to the two kinds of time I had no control over and so I lived in a state of powerlessness.
The present is where we are and where our power lives. I turned to the intentional practice of presence countless times a day for relief from the pain inflicted by my thoughts. I would start by interrupting my negative thoughts with the statement “But that’s not what’s happening right now.” Next, I would narrate what I was doing, however small. “Right now, I’m pouring my coffee. The coffee smells good. I’m stirring my coffee. I hear the clink of the spoon against the mug. The mug is warm in my hands. The coffee tastes good and feels smooth going down.” You get the idea. This felt ridiculous and awkward at first but it worked to calm and center myself every time.
When we meet ourselves in the present, we are better able to identify and accept reality and connect to who we are.
While the practice of presence eliminates the pain of past/future thinking, it’s important not to use the practice to avoid feeling altogether. Presence in our feelings is critical for healing and provides us with important information about ourselves. It wasn’t unusual for me to start narrating my presence about coffee and end up at “And now I’m crying because I feel really sad.”
The way to heal is through feeling our difficult emotions, not thinking our way around them. Thinking is always about the past or the future and so thinking causes and perpetuates our pain. Avoidant behaviors send our emotions deep into our dark side, increasing the amount of shadow work we’ll have to do later in order to properly heal. We are only ever as happy and successful as our shadows allow.
For a much deeper and descriptive practice of presence, you might like The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I’m listening to the audio version now and find Tolle’s narration to be calming and meditative. Mindfulness is also a practice in presence and many simple, guided offerings can be found on YouTube.
Consume Self-Help Material
The last thing I wanted to do while my marriage was crumbling around me was read a book about how to have a healthy marriage. But in forcing myself to do just that, I quickly realized two pivotal truths: 1) I wanted the kind of healthy relationship I was reading about and 2) my husband was never going to show up for me the way the men in the texts showed up for their women.
In almost an instant, these realizations shifted my focus from wanting to go back to the way it was to wanting to move on towards something better.
If your marriage is ending then it was not a healthy relationship for either one of you. A deeply connected, healthy relationship does not fall apart.
Consuming self-help material broadens your perspectives, deepens your understanding of yourself, and provides clarity about what you want. It makes you better able to show up for your next relationship and better able to determine whether or not your next partner is showing up for you.
There are more eye-opening relationship self-help materials available in print, audiobook, podcasts, Ted Talks, etc. than one could get through in a lifetime. This is both great and overwhelming. I suggest starting by searching those resources for materials that address what you think were the main problems with your marriage and let your interest and intuition take you from there.
Some of my personal favorites include Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch (often a dense read but a foundational piece with many valuable passages), Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel (a great book for anyone but especially so if infidelity was involved), and Clarity and Connection by Yung Pueblo (a poetic read with deeply thought-provoking offerings that inspire and feed the healing soul).
A word of caution: the more material you consume the better you’ll be able to identify your ex-spouse’s issues. Resist the urge to spend much time thinking about what they need to fix. The choice to consciously grow or stay unconsciously undeveloped is theirs. Giving your attention to someone you have no control over is an exercise in powerlessness.
Practice Self Care
Energy is drawn to wherever you give your attention. Self care is giving yourself your attention and investing that energy into meeting your needs and doing what sparks joy for you. Elaborate or expensive options are not required here. Small, achievable actions and a commitment to redirecting your attention back to yourself as many times as it takes are often all you need to care for yourself.
I didn’t have but a speck of freedom with a two-year old and a newborn which forced me to simplify the ways to meet my needs and use resources already available to me. To achieve the grounding and soothing effects of physical touch, I held my children, hugged my Mom, and massaged my own neck and back (the Body Back Buddy is a great tool for this). A visit or a call with a friend kept me connected and eased the loneliness. A walk outside with the baby provided the fresh air and movement my body needed.
What we eat, drink, do and don’t do for our bodies often happens unconsciously. Bringing consciousness to these activities reveals our power of choice. Eating nutritious food, limiting alcohol, and being physically active are choices for self care. Resting, cutting nails and putting on lotion are too. We have numerous opportunities to care for and choose ourselves each day.
Committing to the pursuit of joy is another act of self care. I would put on music in the kitchen and have a dance party with my oldest daughter. Even though I never felt like dancing when we started, it wasn’t long before we were smiling and having fun.
When the kids were asleep, I’d make myself watch videos of comedians on YouTube until the laughter came. These moments of consciously-prescribed joy were necessary for healing and pain relief. Pain can not exist where there is joy.
Each time we choose self care, we are choosing ourselves and reinforcing the truth of our worth. Self care is an act of self love and with this love, we grow stronger.
Ask for help
Tough personal feelings and situations can feel isolating. We can get so caught up in doing what is required to get by that we forget we don’t have to do it alone.
In those first months, the help I received buoyed me along through the rough waters. My mother came daily and was tremendously supportive. Friends visited, brought meals, and baby-held. My father and brother fixed and secured my aging deck. My mother-in-law’s husband moved a recently-delivered pallet of wood stove pellets to the basement one 50-pound bag at a time. When the time came to move, family, friends, co-workers and even in-laws pitched in. People busted their butts for me.
My most memorable ask was for help clearing my yard of leaves. It was November and I was still living in and caring for the house my husband had abandoned. I knew I couldn’t do the job myself under the circumstances but it had to be done so the property would look good when it went onto the market.
I remember how self-conscious I felt asking for help. I was afraid of judgment and rejection. I did it anyway, posting my ask to Facebook. Two hours later there were four people working in the yard — friends, a co-worker, and a neighbor. My friends brought their two young children and my daughter went outside to play with them. I watched from inside — holding my baby, tearing up and taking it all in — the overwhelming kindness of people and the joy on my daughter’s face as she enjoyed an unexpected play date.
Who do you know in your life who you could ask for help? What would you ask them to do? It’s true they could say no but it’s more likely that if they knew you were struggling and knew how to help, they would. You don’t have to do it alone. People want to help. Ask and let your tribe be there for you.
Wrapping Up
There’s no way around it — divorce is hard. Even though the particulars of any divorce vary, these 5 things have the power to put you well on your way towards healing and a better life than the one behind you. Grow forth and conquer.
Follow on Instagram @sara.ann.writes and on Medium @sara-annchaine
